Ratnesh & Aditi

A nine year old child:

I don’t know why mummy was so angry with me. Mummy told me not to sit with driver uncle – but he is very nice and in any case whats the harm? Today mummy was again angry when I was playing with him inside the car while waiting for mummy to come.

I also do not understand why Mummy does not allow me to go to my friend’s house for night stay.

Papa does not like me and Karan to sleep together - why he tells mummy that we should sleep on two separate beds?

A Mother of two growing kids:

How much I got embarrassed today when Rohan, my 4yr old son, came into the living room in front of everybody without underwear and was rubbing “there”. I shouted and asked him to immediately remove his hands from “there’. The other day he was saying he Tarini is his girl friends and he wanted to kiss her on lips just the way they showed in the movie. How Tarini’s mother shrieked and saved the situation just in time.

I am horrified. I never knew the words like girl friend, lip kiss or sexy till I was….. I sometimes worry - what next?

This is a common story of “modern” parents. Sometimes I wonder - are we really modern just for the name, are we really growing or are we still archaic as a society. In any case what is to be modern? Our parents thought we were too young to know about “few” things as a child. We still think the same. Our parents hid things from us. We also try! Though the world around us ensures that very little is actually hidden from them. Can we just busy our heads in the sand and assume nothing “wrong” is going to happen.

What if we break our own barrier and look at “few” things in better perspective. What if we move ahead and replace the word “few” with sex education. What if we first make ourselves more comfortable, educated and open about it.

We worry about child’s academics, exposure to sports, music, dance etc. We take them to umpteen classes. Yet we forget (or pretend to be ignorant) that a vital part of child’s growing up process is for the child to develop an awareness and understanding of own body, own desires and own feelings.

Result is that our teenagers are confused and many a times misinformed (their sources like peers, media, etc hardly being reliable or comprehensive or even rational). Hence, they are uncomfortable talking to their own parents about their feelings, emotions, and desires they go though at different ages of their development.

Before we talk about sexual education let us go back and check our own beliefs. Do we really think that some parts of the body are “not to talk about” or they in other terms are “embarrassing” or even “dirty”? If yes then how do we expect to make ourselves comfortable to talk about “sex education” or to give vital information to our kids. When a child is touching his/her genitals and parent responds by “chee! Dirty!” what do you think the child should assume is dirty – the act or genital itself, or he/she?

Child grows up little and starts exploring the world around and asks all kinds of questions and we give most eagerly answers to the best of our knowledge. But when a child ask question related to sex or relationships most us really do not know how to answer? We think children need clear and honest answers to their questions. All we need to is to prepare ourselves to prepare them!

Many believe that telling a child about sex would makes them sexually too mature too early. On the contrary, research indicates that children who have a clear understanding of sexual issues are more likely to behave responsibly. If we talk to our child with openness, honesty and trust - it paves the way for open communication not just about sexual issues but about any aspect of their life. The learning therefore is to start early, start now!

Do leave your comments below
By Aditi & Ratnesh
Please email if you want us to conduct a workshop called PREPARING MY CHILD SEXUALLY for (and in) your organisation or school.

 4 Comments

Forget children, have we learned how to express our feelings?
So how do we express our feelings, specially the negative ones, the anger, resentment, jealousy, bitterness, sadness, et al:
We shout, hit or hurt
or we cry
or we just shut up and clamp up and just suffer (and let the negative-ness run into our hormones causing all kinds of ailments)

Check these statements told to the child:
I've had enough, I am not going to talk to you.
I've had enough, you will get a slap now.
I've had enough - and (under our breath) wish I could just run away or kill myself.

To me this is not an expression of feelings. Rather it is letting the feelings take control of our behaviour.
Which means If I don't learn how to express my feelings, then

1. My own response is hardly appropriate or effective.
2. The child is also learning the same - that - let your feelings drive your behaviour - that its okay to be aggressive when I am feeling aggressive; that its okay to be passive even when hurt remains; and so on.
3. The child is NOT learning any emotional competence - neither how to become aware of feelings nor how to express them nor how to manage them.

The premise here is that when we are aware of our feelings and are able to express them, then the resulting behaviour is also appropriate as well as our emotions are better managed. Perhaps as a direct benefit I would be able to build better social skills also.

If we were to not only teach children maths and history, but also emotional skills. Unfortunately these can't be drilled or taught in a classroom; can't be put in a text book.

Fortunately these can be developed.
Fortunately these can be modeled.
Fortunately these can be facilitated.
Fortunately these can be the most important learning for a happy life.

Aditi & Ratnesh

 3 Comments